Spelunking with Aladdin
By: Daniel Goodwin
I discovered I was gay like everyone else. Stealing my mother’s high heels in the 90s and
watching Brendan Fraser in the Mummy and George of the Jungle and reruns of Aladdin
and Hercules on Disney Channel. I mean
how could you not fall in love with these oily lost boys, trying so desperately hard not to show off
their nipples?
I really wanted a magic carpet for my 10th birthday and that’s when I knew
I had an eye for high end upholstery.
Other notable figures included Chandler Bing from Friends
Gordo from Lizzie McGuire and Hugh Laurie just in general.
In drama school I was told not to write about ‘Gay stuff’ all the time.
Because I ran the risk of being known as ‘that Gay guy’ who only made ‘Gay Theatre’
for all of the ‘Gay People’ running around town.
Doing gay things like sodomy and asking ‘What is... “Bas-ket-ball”??
And wouldn’t that just be awful. Don’t want to box yourself in.
The concept of ‘Pride’ is interesting. ‘Pride’ seems a lot like ‘Brave’
in the way it implies a choice to be or do or face something others can not.
Will not, no don’t want to, no can’t make me, nah nah na naah nah *raspberry noises*................
………………
I’m sorry I can’t tongue pop. It’s my greatest shame.
But I can douche like a French canal spilling into the ocean. I mean
they’ve cleaned sidewalks with my ass after a feast of soap
and high fiber cereal. Because why use milk when black coffee is so perfectly
fine…
No one taught me how to deep clean my anus. And I’m so proud of the fact
I got there in the end. After many failed attempts. And as much as I long for the day
when an animated douche teaches teens how to put a hose up correctly
into their assholes
I’m proud I discovered it on my own.
Sometimes I’ll ask a straight person (as if I’m on my own little version of 8 Out of 10 Cats
but gay like 8 Out of 10 Cats gets an STI test for the 1st time
and secretly loves the swab
and Jon Richardson is still everyone’s favourite team captain / sex God in a turtleneck sweater) I’ll ask them:
What exactly makes ‘gay’ things so ‘gay’? So overtly homosexual? Or rather
Why do you feel the need to call ‘Love, Simon’ a ‘too much for Disney channel’?
As if Simon sings a pop song on the Bas-ket-ball court and then deep throats his crush
on the bleachers in Full HD.
“Troy Bolton Baby, Bone me Slowly”
And then you get an answer like
it’s just so... … . ... aware of itself
Like it’s SO damn conscious has to be has to make a thing
of itself like it has to be unshapely has to be unwilling to fit in like it
won’t play nice and it doesn’t even want to play nice like everyone
else and I mean like why won’t you just fit in?
Sex is only art if it’s tasteful.
Wrong.
Sex is only art if it’s tasteful.
Because your taste sucks straight boy
Sex is only art if it’s tasteful.
I.e Queers only deserve to be proud if they can figure out how to survive first.
I.e Your affection should look like ours does. Embarrassed and unspoken.
My God. Caged until the point it feels the need to break violently free. To control
all these children. Desperately wanting to touch each other and not knowing how to do it safely.
Complaining about what whores the gays are while you masturbate alone. How sad.
Sometimes sex isn’t about pride. Sometimes it’s just a discovery.
A prayer we’ll get there in the end and finally be proud that we made it.
I.e There are nutritional benefits to eating my asshole. Namely
vitamin pleasure.
A consensual expedition starring late 90s heartthrob Brendan Fraser
and Aladdin and Hercules and Chandler Bing from Friends and Jon Richardson
in a turtleneck.
Into a tomb or a thicket or another boy’s bedroom carrying only a machete
and a big fuck off bucket of body image issues and low self-confidence.
I stumbled into sex haphazard at 18 and I will never forget how embarrassed I was.
I will never forget that I got there alone. I will never not feel so goddamn proud of myself.
For getting there. For stumbling in the darkness. Creating entire languages
to find out how I would like to be touched. How others would like me to touch them.
I am so damn proud.
To all the people who were unwilling to talk to me about gay sex...
I wish you were proud enough to teach me.
Dan Goodwin (they/them) is a Scottish-Pākeha performance poet, actor and writer. In 2016, they completed their Masters of Text and Performance at RADA in the UK before returning to Aotearoa. Their solo show Breathe toured the UK after winning the Harold and Jean Brooks award, and their performance poetry has been published by RE:, Attitude, RNZ and TVNZ. They have performed nationally and internationally across various spaces, including Auckland Pride, Bloomsbury festival, and 2021’s ‘Welcome to Nowhere’.
Photo | Peter Jennings for www.gayexpress.co.nz
