2022 was the year that Duncan and Tova got dumped from radio, and 2023 was the year that I became an absolute slut.

I’ve watched from the sidelines for some time, with, to be honest, some judgment. That internalised homophobia got me – seeing these people parading their promiscuity made me feel like the straights would paint all of us with that brush, and that would of course be world-ending.

Now, I'd like to say two things to 2022 me. Firstly, who cares? Our unique sex lives have always and will always be part of who we are as gay, bi and other men who have sex with men. And I haven’t yet met a straight who isn’t insanely jealous and fizzes to hear about my late night/early morning/lunch break escapades. Secondly, being a slut has made me prouder of who I am, who our community are, and how great we are at being responsible sluts.

Being the know-it-all slut that I am, I wanted to share what I’ve learnt, in the hope that maybe one or two wanabe-sluts may set themselves free on the Grindr grid and live their best 2024. So, let’s park our internalised homophobia for a minute, and celebrate how great casual sex can be.

And if you’re already a proud slut, then read on just for fun, and hope that one day you and I will cross paths (if we haven’t already).

1. You'll have many shared experience 

There aren’t many of us and there are many hours in the week. You can only laugh when your workmate is telling you about a hookup, and you tell them that you’d christened that guys’ new couch a few days earlier. And when you and your bestie in the same week would get to hear about the same family cat that had recently passed. This isn’t bragging, there is a moral to this story: we are all CLOSELY connected and if you have hookups in common, then this shows how easily STIs can spread among us. So, use protection and get tested regularly, even if you think you’re the one christening that “new” couch.

2. It will take time to master the douche

Douching is hard work! There’s no one perfect way to douche for all bodies, and the internet isn’t much help. Practice makes perfect – try different things, dial down the volume and ferociousness of your squeeze, and see what makes you as clean as a whistle. Ps. Don’t douche either if you don’t want to. It’s your body, and if they want you, it’s on your terms.

3. People can’t screenshot Grindr albums

Are you worried about that perfect hole pic, that YOU KNOW everyone will recognise, getting leaked on the twit? Never fear! Grindr has your back with their latest slay feature – ALBUMS! You can post your hole pole and mole (the one next to your sphincter) because Grindr has a confidentiality filter that will hide any screenshotted pic or vid in your albums! Slay on slut.

4. Be an organised slut

You gotta know your schedule if you’re a slut on the go. Getting that work/life/slut balance right can take some practice or planning ahead. Do you have work the morning after a hook-up but it’s on the other side of town? Pack a toothbrush and a fresh outfit. Tell your co-workers it’s your gym bag if you’re feeling shy.

5. Be open to adventures

Part of being a slut is knowing what you like and what you definitely don’t, but the other part is getting to try new things. So, if you’re invited to an orgy in a park, someone brings out a new toy, or they ask you to piss on them, and that perks your interest, then what have you got to lose by giving it a go?

6. Horny times of the day/week

I’m a 24/7 app user, and I’ve clocked enough hours on Grindr to have earned a bachelor’s degree on the grid. My research has found that, in my area, Sunday around 2 p.m. is better for hungry holes than Tuesday before noon. Don't stay up all night scrolling. Go to bed on a Saturday night and wake up on Sunday, rested and refreshed to sit on some cock. Figure out what times are especially horny in your area and make the most of them.

7. Anal isn’t everything

Two tops may not make a bottom, but it can still make for some hot, sweaty fun. The throat should be the eighth wonder of the world.

8. The saunas are great

The saunas can get a bad rep. I say, don’t knock it ‘till you’ve tried it. Everyone's there for a good time, and you can always say no if what’s on offer is not your vibe. Trust yourself, trust your instinct, let go of inhibition and if you need a little extra support, go with a friend! It’s so fun to use your body language rather than your txt language.

9. Other people don’t notice what you think they’re noticing

Those imperfections that we see in ourselves are not what people we’re fucking are thinking about. Don’t worry about that pimple on your ass, the curve of your dick, the stretch marks, or whatever else that worries you. If they’re into you, they’re into you. It’s that simple, and confidence in yourself and in your dick sucking capability is so damn sexy.

10. Trust your gut 

Got the ick? It’s probably for a reason. No dick is worth putting yourself at risk or suffering fools and fuckbois. Trust your intuition when it tells you not to get that uber 4km away. Save yourself $18!

11. Sometimes jacking off does the trick

A solo session in your bedroom can be just as good if not better than a hook-up. With the added benefit of not having to kick anyone out of your house or suffer through what you already knew wasn’t going to be a good hookup. Nobody can get you off like you can.

12. Say what you want, get what you want

One of the most freeing parts of being a slut is the ability to just say exactly what you want in that moment, and there’ll always be someone out there willing to support your endeavours. Put it in your profile and wait for someone to bite. It could be a hard railing, or you might want to tie someone up and try out your new dildo on them, or just sit back and watch two people fuck.

13. It’s okay to be a slut, but do it right

I know my escapades have got you all hot and heavy thinking about your next slutty endeavour, but I have a few summary points before you open Grindr:

• Being slutty is fun, and nothing to feel ashamed of or judge someone else on. It’s a great way to try new things, meet new people and have the best stories when the white wine comes out at the Christmas Party
• It’s so important that you don’t let your horny brain overcome your rational brain. Read these tips about how to stay safe in an anonymous hook up.
• HIV and STIs are a risk in casual sex, but fortunately it’s 2023 and you literally have everything you need to mitigate this risk: Condoms and/or PrEP, testing regularly (the more slutty, the more regularly). If you’re not protected but you’re invited for that orgy you’ve always dreamed of, either grab some condoms on the way, or take a rain check. There’s always tomorrow’s orgy.