Ok, so I have been thinking a lot lately about the different insecurities people have about the way their bodies work during sex. I have slept with a fairly decent number of guys, and spoken to a heck of a lot more about sex, and what I have noticed is that most guys, myself included, either feel or have felt insecure and isolated about at least something to do with sex at some stage in their lives.

Two of the most common concerns I have come across which I want to use as examples here, are the very contrasting issues of premature ejaculation, and of not being able to cum with a partner.

Premature ejaculation is said to be the most common problem experienced by guys during sex and subsequently, is very well documented. However the inability to cum with a partner is something I have come across more often with guys in my own experiences, and yet I have found it very difficult to find any writing on the topic.

There is a huge range of factors that can contribute to either one of these issues; sometimes the main part of it is just the way you are wired, it could be to do with medication you’re on or, particularly if you’re a bit older, it could be down to the health of your prostate.

The other common factor is stress, or anxiety. For some guys this can be the root cause of premature ejaculation or not being able to cum but even if it isn’t, performance anxiety can be a big stress people feel once a problem is identified. Though it may not be the primary cause for someone, it can make matters worse when you end up in a cycle of feeling insecure about your sexual performance and your performance suffers as a result of that anxiety.

Our partners are a huge factor in this. If you are with some jack-ass who laughs when you cum too soon, or complains about not being able to have long sex sessions this is only going to make you feel worse. Likewise if you have a partner who is determined to make you cum, even when you know you aren’t going to and might not want to, because he thinks you cumming makes him a good lover.

If you are someone who has done something like this to a guy you were with then please take a moment now to understand that doing that kind of thing can be pretty mean and your partner was probably made to feel a bit shitty because of it. Once you’re done being honest with yourself that you could have handled things better, it’s important to realise that you can learn from your mistakes and change your approach.

Premature ejaculation is still hot. Make the most of your partner cumming and see if he still wants to keep going afterwards. He is likely to need a break to recharge, but he could be up for some play with you during that period. There are plenty of things to do in bed that do not require two hard cocks. Remember that just because someone doesn’t have a raging hard-on, it does not mean that they are not aroused and feeling pleasure.

Likewise if your partner can’t cum, don’t try to make him. Have patience if he wants to try; have fun riding his dick, sucking him off, jerking him off, whipping him, pulling his hair, teasing his nipples or whatever else he might be into, but if he says he isn’t going to cum then respect that and don’t get weird about it. You can still have great sex without a second load of cum!

Whether your partner cums or not should not be seen as a reflection of your own love making prowess. For a lot of guys, that's just how their body works. Sometimes it gets easier to ejaculate with a guy the longer the partnership goes on, and sometimes it doesn’t. If you are concerned that you might not be pleasuring your partner in a way he likes then ask him what he is into and if he has any suggestions, but keep in mind that the goal of sex is to pleasure your partner and be pleasured yourself. If your end goal is to cum, it's like taking a car ride without looking out the window the whole way. Get over your hang ups and enjoy the journey; it will improve your sex, I promise.

For guys out there feeling bummed out about how their bodies work during sex, I feel you. It sucks feeling nervous about sex because you don’t know if your body will do what you want it to. Please know that there are other guys out there with the same issues as you, and remember that just because you might not be having perfect porn-worthy sex, it doesn’t mean you can’t have great real life sex.

Finding someone to communicate my insecurities with was the key to me feeling better about the sex I was having and it ended up fixing most of my problems. Suddenly I wasn’t stressing out all the time. I also ended up finding out that from time to time my partner was having the exact same issues as me, as well as other things that would crop up for him, so it was awesome that we could help one another out (especially when helping one another out meant having awesome sex).

Talking with your partner is not an easy thing to do at first, but it gets way easier the more you do it. Part of it is having the confidence to engage in the conversation, sometimes it’s about not being scared off by a failed attempt to communicate which ended up getting awkward, and most of the time it is actually having the language to talk about sex with your partner. If you know how your own body works and what you like, then you have a really solid starting point for discussion. The more you talk with your sexual partners, the more comfortable you will feel, I guarantee you. Communicating your insecurities is the first step to dealing with them. You might not want or need to talk about intimate aspects of yourself with all of your sexual partners, but having done it in the past and knowing that you can if you feel it’s going to help can be immensely empowering and I urge everyone to give it a try.

Check out the rest of Burnett Foundation Aotearoa for more info about gay sex, and remember that free counselling is available if you feel you would like to talk to someone.