How to decide if ‘coming out’ is right for you
‘Coming out’ is letting people in your life know something about your identity that you haven’t told them before.
This could be your sexual orientation, gender identity, pronouns, and so on. This guide largely talks about coming out with your sexuality, not about whether your gender is different than what others might think your gender is. If you want to talk to someone about your gender and need help, there are some wonderful organisations like Gender Minorities Aotearoa, Outline, and RainbowYouth that you could reach out to.
Not everyone has to ‘come out’ and some say that it’s an outdated concept altogether.
The process of doing this can range from a non-event to a more difficult, slow process depending on your circumstances.
One thing to remember is that so many have gone through what you are going through and have come out on the other side stronger, with fantastic and fulfilling lives.
We acknowledge that everyone has a different experience in their life that presents different challenges to coming out – whether that be differing cultures, family environments, or social circles. We can’t write one guide that will suit all people, so if you feel that you need more support with coming out to people in your life, we have a list below of different organisations that can help you with your unique circumstances.
Do you have to come out?
No, you don’t. What you choose to share with others is up to you. Don’t rush into ‘coming out’ if it’s unsafe or you’re not sure you are ready.
It may feel like your life will change forever, but most people overestimate the negative change on their life after coming out. Most of the changes will be positive, and negative ones can pass with the right support.
If you’ve been outed against your will or you accidentally came out to someone you didn’t mean to, it’s important to remember that there are people in your life who will love you for who you are. Whether they are in your life now, or whether they will come into your life in the future.
It's a spectrum
Just because you are attracted to other guys, it doesn’t mean you have to identify as gay or bisexual. You can identify as straight and still be sexually attracted to guys.
You don’t have to pick a label at all and there are also umbrella terms like Queer or Takatāpui that might be closer to your own experience. Outline has a great glossary of terms here.
Different ways of coming out
You don’t have to come out by posting an Instagram photo at a Pride parade (but you totally could!).
One option for coming out is to start slowly by telling a family member or friend you trust. It’s important that you tell someone who you are confident will react positively, as once you’ve told them, they can support you to tell others. Have a think about who you know in your life that has said things that make you feel they would be supportive.
As you become comfortable telling people, you can let your wider circles know.
Coming out isn’t a one-off event most of the time, there’ll be lots of different times in your life when you will get the opportunity to let a new person know about your sexuality.
It usually does get easier with time, and for most people it’ll feel less like ‘coming out’ and more like telling someone what you had for lunch.
Benefits of coming out
There are heaps of benefits to living a life that is more open and authentic to who you are.
In an ideal world, you wouldn’t need to ‘come out’ as gay or queer but once you do, there’s a world of opportunities from dating, to building friendships and finding community amongst people you might not have met otherwise.
There are also up-sides to letting your doctor or health provider know that you’re having sex with guys. It’ll help them give you care that’s suited to your sexual activities. There are certain vaccines (like HPV) or health tests that are highly recommended for gay and bi guys. There’s also medication like PrEP that might be a good option to help prevent HIV.