Having sex for the first time can seem daunting, we get it.

Or, maybe you have tried it, but it wasn’t as good as you were hoping. For most people there’s nobody to teach us how to have sex, so we turn to the internet or porn, and those places can seem even more daunting because all we see are the professionals having sex. 

All of us at Burnett Foundation have been where you are right now, so we got together and pulled together a 101 of what we think you should know about gay sex when you’re starting out. 

When we think of stereotypical gay sex, we’ve heard it always comes back to anal sex. But there are different ways to have gay sex and it doesn’t have to be anal sex. Some people don’t enjoy anal sex at all and for them, gay sex doesn’t involve anal at all, and that’s perfectly okay.  

This Anal Sex 101 will walk you through the basics of how to have gay anal sex, including why gay sex feels good, and how to have anal sex for the first time.  

Tops and Bottoms

When you are the top during anal sex you will have to think about different things than the bottom.  

Do I have to choose one? 

You might only enjoy being the top or the bottom, or you might like both, or mostly one or the other. It’s a spectrum.

It might take you a bit of trialling to figure out which position you prefer, and your preferences will likely change as you get older and have different experiences. Regardless of the position you prefer, learning about both will make having sex more enjoyable for you and your partner(s). 

When you’re starting to think about having sex, there are a few things you should consider:

1. There’s no rush to have any form of sex, it’s important that you don’t put pressure on yourself because other people are doing it. If you’re not ready, you probably won’t have a good time. 
   
   
2. Make sure you tell the person that you haven’t had sex before (or that you haven’t tried a certain position before) and make sure you tell them how you’re feeling. Communication is the most important part of sex. 
   
   
3. Anal is a big first step into sex, so you could always consider just starting out with playing with someone using your hands or your mouth, and once you’re comfortable and ready then you could try more (it might take multiple times of exploring before you’re ready for anal sex). 

Why does gay sex feel good?

When you are the top during anal sex you will have to think about different things than the bottom.  

Do I have to choose one? 

You might only enjoy being the top or the bottom, or you might like both, or mostly one or the other. It’s a spectrum.

Two spots are to thank for making gay sex feel good, that is the anus and the prostate.  

The anus:  

• The anus consists of two rings of muscle. The outer sphincter muscle can be controlled consciously, and now you probably can’t resist having a little clench to make sure it’s still there. The inner sphincter muscle is controlled automatically by your body, but as you get used to bottoming you'll find that this relaxes more easily.  

• Because of the concentration of nerve endings here, a finger, dildo or dick going inside and stretching the anus is going to be very simulating. It also means you can achieve a lot of sensation just by playing with the anal opening, so if you’re a top and your bottom is a bit shy to start, have fun warming up the hole with your fingers (remember to trim your nails).  

The prostate:  

Hotspot number two, the prostate, is further inside - about a thumb’s length in towards the bellybutton. It’s a gland that controls a lot of sexual responses, and if it’s stimulated directly by having something push, rub, or vibrate against it from inside the rectum, it will blow more than just your mind. 

Note: The following people have a prostate: people who were assigned male at birth and some intersex people.  

Aside from these two places, there aren’t any other ways to achieve internal stimulation, so going deeper isn’t of any practical benefit and may just cause pain. There's a lot to learn about anal sex, and the more you know, the more fun you’ll have. 

Okay now that you know about the different roles and why anal sex feels good, it’s time to get into the basics on what to do when it comes to anal sex.  

How to bottom in anal sex

Putting a penis inside your butt is the more intense position in anal sex. An anus is not designed to stretch and insert things into it, like a vagina is. So, it’s important that you know as much information as possible before you try it. 

We suggest before you start having sex that you do steps 1 and 2 by yourself a few times at home. This will get you used to the feeling before you have someone else with you. You can slowly start working up to bigger objects, like butt plugs and dildos – but make sure they always have a flared base as you don’t want it getting stuck inside you. 

Step 1: Getting ready 

It’s important to remember that we are playing with bums here, so it’s very common for sex to be a little bit messy. Lots of people will choose to douche before bottoming – and we’ve prepared a guide for that in this series, but don’t worry about doing that for now. The first step is to go to the toilet and remove any urine and poo that may be ready to come out. 

Step 2: Warming up 

There are many ways to warm up for being the bottom – you could do this by yourself before meeting your partner, or with your partner. You should always start with a finger to get your butt used to there being something inside you. 

To start, make sure you take some deep breaths and relax your muscles as much as possible. You can lie on your back with your legs in the air, lie on your side, or get onto your hands and knees. Put lots of lube on the finger and just start rubbing the outside of the anus to get used to the feeling.  

If you feel ready, you can very slowly start inserting inside your butt. It’s always best to breathe out and push out your butt as it goes in (the same way you would squeeze out a poo on the toilet). Go in about 1cm and then stop and wait until your body has relaxed again. If it’s uncomfortable, remove it slowly and take a break. If you feel comfortable, then you could go in another 1cm. Keep doing this until you feel you have reached where you wanted to. When you remove it, it’s important that you remove it slowly. 

If you feel like that’s enough for the first time, then that is perfectly okay. You can stop here and come back another day. 

Step 3: Putting the penis inside 

The first step to having sex is to use protection. Make sure that your partner is wearing a condom. You might have learnt in sex education that a condom prevents pregnancies, but for gay sex, condoms prevent HIV and STIs. There are other options for preventing these, but for your first time your partner should always have a condom on. We can send you as many free condoms as you’d like. 

When you’re ready to put the penis inside you, follow the same principles as above – put LOTS of lube on the penis, make sure you take some deep breaths, you push out as the penis goes in, and most importantly, do it very slowly and if it’s uncomfortable, then stop and take a break. 

Once the penis is inside a few inches and you’re feeling good, then you can ask your partner to start moving their penis back and forth slowly. Don’t go too deep the first time. 

Remember, anal sex can be uncomfortable to start with. So, at any point, if it’s feeling uncomfortable, then ask your partner to stop. It’s better to take a break and return to it than to push through, as you don’t want to do any damage. 

Initially, if their penis starts touching your prostate, it might make you feel like you need to pee, but this is just your body readjusting to a sexual response from stimulation. After a couple of tries that sensation will go away. 

Step 4: Enjoy it 

If you’ve done all of the above steps, then your butt will be starting to relax and you will probably start enjoying yourself, a lot. Likely, you will both want to orgasm pretty quickly and that’s great. You might want to try a few different positions to see which ones feel best, just make sure you remove the penis slowly to change position, and then put it in slowly again. 

Make sure your partner holds the base of the condom when they pull out of your butt, and if they’ve cum in it then they can just tie a knot in the condom and put it in the bin. 

The final step is for you both to have a shower. Anal sex carries the risk of bacteria like shigella. Make sure you wash your hands before touching anything (especially your face) and ensure that the penis and anus are cleaned thoroughly using soap. 

How to top in anal sex

Being the top is a lot easier than being the bottom, so it’s important that you read the section above because you will play a big role in whether the bottom is enjoying themselves – you follow the same process as above, supporting the bottom to relax and enjoy it. You should also read our guide on preparing for anal sex in this series, as there are important steps a top must take.  

Make sure you are slow and are checking in with your partner. We guarantee if they are enjoying it, then you’ll have an even better time. 

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