Consent is about making sure everyone in a sexual encounter feels safe, comfortable, and enthusiastic about the activities taking place, to ensure a pleasurable experience for everyone involved. 

This guide will cover some important points about what consent looks like and communicating consent. Remember: Consent is sexy.

What does consent look like

Consent should always be enthusiastic and it’s more than a simple nod or hesitant “okay”.

It means asking for what you want and saying no to anything you aren’t into. It also means allowing your partner(s) to do the same, by only taking things further after getting a “Yes!”. This is affectionately known as enthusiastic consent.

You need to feel good about everything that’s happening and check in with your partner(s) so that they feel good about it too.

Consent is not a ‘one yes fits all’ situation – if you’ve said yes to a particular activity, you still have the right to stop at any point you want and so does your partner, no matter how enthusiastic the previous 'yes' may have been, so it’s good to check in with yourself and them as you go.

GRAPHIC below

If

The direction of things changes to somewhere you don’t want to go

AND/OR

You stop feeling okay with something you have said yes to

AND/OR 

Either of you decide you aren’t okay with something that’s happening 

AND/OR

You’re ever not sure about whether your partner is consenting 

Then:

It’s time to stop.

No one should ever be shamed or made to feel guilty for saying no – it’s all a part of respecting yourself and your partner(s) and making sex great for everyone. Feeling pleasure is a human right, and nobody should take this away from you.

How to know if a guy wants to have sex with you

If you’re in a situation with a guy where he seems to be showing signs that he’s into you, like getting hard around you or heavy flirting then you might want to take things further.

Remember that showing interest in someone does not equal consent.  

Communication is the only way someone can give consent.

If you want to know if a guy wants to have sex with you, then ask or let him know you’re interested in a respectful, clear way.

People won’t always say yes, and sometimes you will get turned down. Be respectful and don’t try to pressure or convince anyone into sex.

How to make sure you're having consensual sex

It requires a conversation - but this conversation doesn't have to be super clinical, you can be sexy with it. Asking for consent does not kill the mood; in fact, being asked what you want and asking what others want is hot. 

Are you comfortable getting to the point? Then you might go with:

• Can I kiss you?
• Can I take your top off? What about these shorts?
• Do you want to have sex now?
• Can I do [insert sexy act you'd like to perform]?

Do you like to be a bit more descriptive? Try:

• I think it's really hot to [insert sexy act you're into] - do want to do this with me?
• What are you into? Do you want to do that together?

Remember, consent isn't a one-off - you need to be checking in throughout. During foreplay you might try:

• Is it okay to kiss you here?
• Do you like this or should I do something else?
• Do you want to slow down?
• How far do you want to go tonight?

If things do progress to some form of penetrative sex, remember to keep checking in with whether everything feels good for each other and that everyone wants to keep going.

• Are you comfortable with this?
• Do you want me to stop?
• Should/can I add some lube?

Consent isn't just a way to keep everyone involved safe - by checking in, adjusting, and giving/receiving direction with partners - you're going to have better sex.

Keeping safe and asking for help 

Remember that all of this is about keeping you and your partners safe. If you have had experiences that made you feel unsafe, or if you’ve been made to do anything you didn’t want to, there are people you can talk to who will support you and help you contact authorities if necessary.

• Talk to someone at your closest Sexual Health Service – they will have support pathways to help you, these differ from region to region
• Safetotalk.nz – is a 24/7 helpline for any kind of sexual harm. You can contact them in whatever way feels most comfortable – text, email, phone-call and more. Trained counsellors will be able to speak with you and help support you
  
  
• If you feel comfortable speaking to the Police – there is a sexual assault unit that will be able to help you bring a complaint against someone who has harmed you. We understand that this is a big deal though, so we recommend talking to an organisation that can support you in contacting Police and help you through the process

We'd love to hear your thoughts on this resource, what worked well, and how we could improve it for our communities. Share your feedback with us here.