Preparing for your first time having anal sex might feel daunting, or maybe you’ve tried it a couple of times and it just hasn’t worked out the way you wanted it to.

This guide, from people who’ve done it before, will have you ready to go having anal sex safely in no time.

Emotional and mental preparation

Preparing for anal sex, whether you’re the bottom (receptive partner) or the top (insertive partner) might take some prep of your body [go to douching] and mind.

We’ll cover preparing your butt as a bottom later in this blog but here are some things you can think about as a top or bottom to prepare yourself mentally or emotionally.

- Anal sex can take time to get the hang of, and it might not always go to plan.
- Communication before, during, and after is key to ensuring everyone has a sexy and fun time.
- What makes you feel good? What makes your partner feel good? How can you achieve that together?
- A comfortable space will improve your experience – especially if it’s your first time.

Finding the 'right' person

We are not here to tell you who to have sex with, but some qualities make a partner better at anal sex than others (none of them are physical by the way).

• Someone you trust will help you feel more relaxed whether you’re the top or the bottom.
• A top who understands bottoms or a bottom who understands tops. Maybe they’ve read this guide.
• A person not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Substances can alter people’s judgement and it’s best to have sex sober when you’re first starting.

Understanding consent 

Consent is crucial to having sex, period. You and your partner should respect each other’s boundaries and communicate consistently.

We’ve got a 101 guide to consent in this series.

Protection/Sexual Health

A part of preparing for anal sex is deciding what form of protection from HIV and STIs you and your partner want to use. HIV and STIs are far more common in our community, so it’s vital that you always use protection.

There are condoms, PrEP, or U=U. We have a sexual health guide in this series, which will explain more about all of this.

How to prepare physically as a bottom

Douching is the process of cleaning out your butt with water. You don’t have to douche before anal sex as a bottom, but some people prefer to reduce the chance of any potential mess.

This is a personal choice - if it's your body, it's your choice, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Types of douches:

- You can buy a bulb-shaped douche kit from most sex shops or online. Look for ones with a thin nozzle to make it easier to insert into your butt (avoid the large or ribbed ones for now).

- Shower hose attachments are also available, but it is not recommended to use these unless you're an absolute pro. There’s a risk of sudden changes in water pressure and temperature, and because your rectum doesn’t sense heat, it’s easy to burn yourself.

How to douche

1. Only use lukewarm water, as soap can damage the sensitive lining of the rectum. Check the temperature of the water until it feels lukewarm, it shouldn’t feel warm or cold. Not only could it burn you, but water that is too warm could upset your body and have the opposite effect of a clean inside.

2. Lube up the tip of the douche, and gently slide it into your hole either standing up or sitting on the toilet. Try not to clench and make sure to breathe out as you insert it.

3. Douches vary in length, and you don’t need to put it all the way in. You only need to clean out the bottom few inches of your rectum. If you insert it too far in then you may get water into the intestines, which will start flushing out more than you need to, this will take a lot longer and will get a lot messier before it gets clean.

4. Very slowly and gently squeeze the bulb you are using for 3 - 7 secs (depending on the type and size of douche you're using).

The sensation of the water filling up will probably feel pretty strange at first. Remember that you're only trying to clean out the lower rectum, so don't add too much water. If there is too much pressure then it's possible to cause damage and/or get water higher up than needed

5. Hold the water in for a few moments. Take a few breaths.

6. Expel the water into the toilet in the seated position.

7. Repeat until the water comes out looking clean. Don't do too many flushes. 80% clean is all you’re likely to need, and it’s better than doing too many flushes.

8. Then wash your douche thoroughly, shower yourself and you’re ready to play!

Wait a while between douching and sex, as you may find that a little bit of remaining water takes longer to come out and you may need to go to the toilet to expel it around 30mins later. This way you can be sure all the water’s drained out and allow time for the lining of your rectum to re-adjust.

How to prepare physically as a top

The top can also do things to prepare for anal sex, even though it may not be as intensive as douching.

Some things you can do as a top:

- Trim/clean your nails so it feels better for the bottom during foreplay.
- Have a shower and take care of your hygiene.
- Check for any irritation around the penis area that might make sex more painful or uncomfortable.
- Make sure you have a condom and lots of lube ready.

We'd love to hear your thoughts on this resource, what worked well, and how we could improve it for our communities. Share your feedback with us here.