The ass! Everyone’s got one.

...And everyone deserves to have it licked, kissed, eaten, and made to feel like a snack.  

Welcome to the hole-timate guide to rim jobs! Rimming is the ultimate bottoms foreplay, to relax a hole, and get it ready to be fucked. A relaxed hole makes it much more enjoyable for you to slide in AND decreases the risk of tearing the anus when you enter. Tears in the anus increase the chance of HIV and STI transmission. Rimming; tastes great and good for you! 

So, if you’re just curious about dining, you’re a full conn-ass-eur, or even if you were looking for car rims and ended up down a fun rabbit hole, get ready to learn some tricks and licks! 

Prepping 

Your first point of call should always be a bathroom – give that booty a wet wipe, or take a shower to freshen up. You wouldn’t serve a meal on a dirty plate. 

The hole sweet hole is home sweet home to digestive bacteria, who also like to host bugs like E. coli and salmonella. These bugs love moving from hole to mouth, and a good clean will reduce the risk. If you’ve had diarrhoea, wait two weeks before serving a meal of ass, as these bugs linger. 

Douching is not mandatory for a great rim job, but if having a spritz makes you feel squeaky clean, then, by all means, get familiar with the fine art of douching. 

Nobody has ever acquired HIV from rimming, but there is risk of acquiring STIs, so make sure you’re both testing regularly. If you have any weird symptoms going on, maybe just keep that hole wrapped up until you’ve tested. 

It’s also worth warning you that a drug-resistant gut infection, a shy gal named Shigella, has been popping up in Aotearoa lately. Shigella is spread when tiny particles of faeces get in the mouth, and symptoms can include diarrhoea (sometimes bloody), stomach pain, and fevers.  

The symptoms can sneak up 1-3 days after ex-poo-sure, and often settle within 5-6 days, but some cases can be severe and require hospitalisation. People living with HIV who aren’t on effective treatment are at an increased risk of worse infections too.   

Your doctor might not know to look for Shigella (as they may not have googled car rims and ended up on this page), so if you ate bum and have a sore tum, tell them you’d like to test for shigella. If Miss Shigella Lawson turns out to have been the culprit making you feel cooked, wait two weeks after the diarrhoea stops before getting out there for any sexy contact. 

Technique & Positions

This sexy blog can only take you so far – make sure you both talk about what you both like, and check in throughout the rimming. “Is that good?” will go a long way to making sure it’s good for you both. 

Variety is key for the eater - change up the sensation by varying the patterns and pressure – try zig-zagging your tongue, making small circles, or French kissing that hole. Go teasingly slow, fast and furious, or deep in there.  

A hot tip is to spit on that hole to really allow the free movement of the tongue. And think about what you’re doing with your hands – are your gripping those cheeks, or sensually rubbing their legs or back? 

A great eatee has a role to play too – relax the bussyhole with deep breaths. Your eater can’t do their best work with everything clenched. To really excite your diner, you can push your hole out to give them an opening. 

The best advice is give it your hole self, get in there and give each other an experience. Never half-arse a rimjob. 

Doggy style

One of you gets on their hands and knees, while the other buries their face in that ass and goes to town. Wikipedia would like you to know in Ancient Rome this was called “coitus more ferarum”, Latin for “sexual intercourse in the manner of wild beasts”. Get it Wikipedia, you wild beast! 

Flying V

The eatee lays on their back, spread-eagle, legs lifted in a V (for “Vow! I am a vampire to zis butt!”). Get some pillows involved for everyone’s necks and lower backs (is that what the song “My Neck, My Back” is about?)

Face Sitting

The eater lays on their back, while the eatee lowers onto their mouth and proves they’ve been working on their squats! (Feel free to use a bed or wall to balance, squats are optional)

Standing

You can also experiment with standing, or leaning, while the eater kneels, like they’re praying to a benevolent hole. You may have seen this technique in some internet-breaking scenes in the tv shows The White Lotus, or Girls.  

Everyone’s different though, so make sure you’re talking to your partner about what they’re enjoying or want to try! Remember, it’s an anUS, not an anME. 

Extra (for the ass-perts)

“Pffft, you think” reading this “I’m a champion already. I ate ass and left no crumbs. They call me Roadside Repairs cause I’m so good with the Rims!”. Well, Mx Repairs, here are a few things you can try once you’ve graduated Culinary school… 

Motorboating

The eater shakes their head like they’re saying “No, never stop!” while the eatee shakes it like a bottle of oat milk

Rusty Trombone

If the eatee has a boner, you can reach around and play with it. This is called the “Rusty Trombone”, which along with “Scat” makes you wonder if the booty gods were really into jazz? 

Analingus 69

Give a little, get a little. There are two options here, depending how you like it;  While the eater eats their partner's booty, the eatee can perform oral sex on their partner’s junk, or you can both eat eachother’s asses at the same time! You’re a resident of the reciproCITY now. Your postcode? 6933 (the 3’s are butts!)

Well now that you’ve taken your time to study the menu, you know what you want to order! Get out there, and dine, munch, feast, snack on all the holes. Yes chef!