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‘Downlow’ or ‘down-low’ (dau̇n-ˌlō): Noun

History: This term has historic roots in black American churches, though nowadays it's often conflated with other terms such as ‘discreet/discrete’, ‘closeted’, ‘straight acting, 'straight', 'bi-curious’ etc. 

How it's used in this blog: People use DL in a variety of ways. To make it easy, we are using the term here to mean cisgender men of any age, ethnicity or sexual orientation who have secretive sexual contact with other men despite not identifying with a queer identity or queer culture.

Abbreviation: DL

Example: "Sammy hooks up with guys on the DL".

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This blog can be read from the perspective of someone on the downlow (DL), OR someone who wants to fuck someone on the DL. Pick your poison:

Picture this...

You’re at the gym, during the after-work rush hour. You can hear the intermittent thuds of weights being heaved, the hum of fans at full throttle, grunts from the other gym bros hauling iron on the racks. It’s all background noise as you push through your last set. You should be focused on your workout, on your pump, on your form. But your eyes flick up to the mirror.

He’s* there again.

He’s got that effortless confidence, the kind that makes you feel like he already knows something about you that you haven’t said out loud. He holds your gaze, for just a second too long.

Fuck.

You swallow and look away, adjusting yourself, willing your body to behave. You tell yourself it’s nothing. Just a weird tension, a misunderstanding, a mistake.

But then you glance back, and he’s still watching. And worse—you’re watching too.

How do gay guys always seem to know???

But is it gay, though…?

Ok, so you’re on the DL. Before we go any further, it’s worth reiterating a few things:

1. Being DL doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay: You could be bisexual, or pansexual, or curious, or just straight, while happening to like dick. Life is complicated, and so is sexuality. You don't need to label yourself at all, if you don't want to. 
2. Even if you are gay, you are in control of that information: No one should ever feel pressured to come out. You can come out whenever you want, or not at all.
3. You can still be masc and get turned on by other guys: No matter how you identify, you can still do all the stuff that ‘regular’ blokes do, like *checks notes* drink beer, watch rugby and eat pussy (full disclosure - I’ve personally never eaten pussy, but I hear it’s great).

For many of you, scratching that itch (you know the one I mean…) can create a lot of fear, uncertainty, and shame. Sometimes it feels like gay guys are truly from a different planet, and it’s hard to know how to engage, how to communicate, and how to hook up without putting yourself or anyone else at risk. There’s so much that you feel like you don’t know, and that can be scary.

At the same time, some gay guys make you really fucking horny, and that’s a problem. You could encounter us in any location, at any time of day, and often at times when a surprise boner is most embarrassing. Hooking up with us can be both thrilling and risky.

If you’re new to our organisation, our job is to create behaviour change around queer sexual health; and hookups between gay guys and DL guys create an overlap in our sexual networks, so it’s important to talk about it, because it helps to fight internalised shame and homophobia, create awareness around what each person wants from the interaction, and to ultimately make sure everyone is on the same page regarding sexual health prevention, to keep everyone - including potential partners - safe.

Now, back to that gym hottie 😈

Back at the gym, you finish your workout, stretch a little longer than usual, pretending you’re not hyperaware of his presence. You catch the way he moves, the way he lingers. Is he waiting for you? Is this a test?

Eventually he leaves, and you can finally relax. You finish off your workout, then grab your towel and head to the sauna, trying to shake off the tension. As you reach the door, you can see him through the window. You’re still not 100% sure if you can go through with it. But you’re horny as hell, and you may not get this opportunity again, so you sit down next to them and wait until the room empties.

Finally, it’s just the two of you. You don’t speak. You don’t even make eye contact. But it doesn’t matter. The energy between you in enough. You gently press your leg into theirs, and let your towel open up slightly. They lift their hand, as if they’re about to reach out.

STOP.

This is a critical moment, and there are lots of things to consider in the split second it takes them to reach under your towel and give you the best oral sex of your life.

• How confident are you in what you’re doing, sex-wise? What kind of sex do you even want to have?
• How many people have you hooked up with recently? This person may also have hooked up with people recently.
• When were you last tested? Have you ever been tested for HIV or other STIs? Do you know how to access a test afterwards?
• What about your partner (if you have one)? You may have made peace with hooking up with other people, but if you have a sexual relationship with someone else, they’re being put at risk too.
• This person could also be living with HIV. How can you stay protected while also not be a dick about it?
• If you want to fuck or get fucked, do you have condoms and lube on hand? Do you know how to do it without it getting messy? (Nothing wrong with mess, shit happens, but you may not want that experience)
• Someone might walk in. What will you do?
• You’re both members of the same gym and are likely to see one another again - could this be an issue?

There are a few different ways that this could play out…

We’re not here to enforce morality…

If you decide to go through with it, you should be prepared for all eventualities. That’s where we come in. Our job isn’t to tell you what to do; it’s to tell you how to be as safe as possible, no matter what you choose to do.

…but we are safe sex advocates

If you consent to him going to town on you, here’s a few things to bear in mind.

So after all that. What are you gonna do? 👀

Back to the gym sauna. Your legs are pressed together. Your towel is hanging open. They lift their hand tentatively. All the information you’ve read about in this blog comes flooding through your brain in a split second.

They drop their hand onto your thigh, and you’re ready for any eventuality.

Game on.