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‘Downlow’ or ‘down-low’ (dau̇n-ˌlō): Noun

History: This term has historic roots in black American churches, though nowadays it's often conflated with other terms such as ‘discreet/discrete’, ‘closeted’, ‘straight acting, 'straight', 'bi-curious’ etc. 

How it's used in this blog: People use DL in a variety of ways. To make it easy, we are using the term here to mean cisgender men of any age, ethnicity or sexual orientation who have secretive sexual contact with other men despite not identifying with a queer identity or queer culture.

Abbreviation: DL

Example: "Sammy hooks up with guys on the DL".

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This blog can be read from the perspective of someone on the downlow (DL), OR someone who wants to fuck someone on the DL. Pick your poison:

Picture this...

You’re at the gym, during the after-work rush hour. You can hear the intermittent thuds of weights being heaved, the hum of fans at full throttle, obnoxious grunts from the steroid bros hogging the racks. The gym floor smells like sweat and musty ass.

You catch the eye of someone across the room in the mirror. He’s wearing an oversized hoodie and thin grey gym shorts that hug his crotch, sweat marks gently cupping his ass cheeks. High socks and dirty vans with messily tied laces. Snapback cap. Was it accidental, or…

No. They look again.

Only for a split second, but still. They’re definitely checking you out.

Your hole twitches. You check Grindr, then Scruff, then Sniffies. If he’s there, he’s a blank profile. And by the look of him, he’s unlikely to be the one to make the first move. It’s up to you, if you dare.

Ah, the erotic lure of someone on the DL...

We may encounter them in any location, at any time of day, and often at times when (for those with penises) a surprise boner is most embarrassing. For us queer folk, hooking up with DL guys is a common fantasy that can be both thrilling and risky. We’re not going into the psychology of this fantasy here (sorry to disappoint); that’s between you and your therapist. But this intersection of queer and (often heterosexually-presenting) DL folk is objectively a glaring culture clash. Add sex to the mix and the potential for risk and reward is even higher.

The fantasy might be hot, but we’re not in the business of just writing softcore porn for your pleasure (though if you want more of that, feel free to DM us and we’ll try to accommodate ).

Our job is to show you how you can enjoy a safe and pleasurable sex life. Since sexual encounters between queer and DL folk create an overlap in sexual networks, talking about it is important to:

• Unpack internalised shame and homophobia
• Create awareness around what each person wants from the interaction
• Make sure everyone is on the same page regarding sexual health prevention, to keep everyone - including potential partners of DL folk - safe.

Warning: The next section is a little academic, so if you’d like to skip it, click here.

But first, a little bit on history, language, and cultural context

Though it’s evolved over time, the term ‘DL’, or ‘downlow’, has clear historic roots in black American churches, and is separate to other terms that are often conflated, such as ‘discreet/discrete’, ‘closeted’, ‘straight acting, 'straight' 'bi-curious’ etc.

Because this is not a full on peer-reviewed academic thesis, I’ve decided to use the term ‘DL’ in this blog to cover all folk who have sex with people within the queer community but who don’t identify with the queer label and/or queer culture, irrespective of race; while in the states DL has associations with black culture, this doesn’t necessarily translate here and, in the absence of data, racializing the term within our local context could be problematic. The key thing to remember is that they are typically steeped in heterosexual culture, even if there is an element of discomfort for them.

Now, back to that gym hottie 😈

You’re back in the gym. You’ve finished your workout and have started your cool down, and you get the sense that he’s waiting for you to finish. You get into child's pose with your ass up, facing him. You peek back behind you - yep, that got his attention. You may have imagined it, but you could have sworn there was a little movement in the front of his shorts…

You drag out your stretching as much as you dare, hoping that he doesn’t give up. Eventually, you head to the sauna. A few minutes later, he comes in and sits down beside you. The room gradually empties and, eventually, you find yourselves alone. He opens his legs a bit wider, the slit in his towel exposing the unexpectedly soft hairs that adorn his inner thigh. You can feel his eyes on you. You lift your hand to reach out.

STOP.

This is a critical moment, and there are many things to consider in the split second it takes you to reach under his towel and give him the best oral sex of his life.

• He’s probably not on PrEP (he probably hasn’t even heard of it). Even if you’re on PrEP, you won’t be protected against other STIs and he’s unlikely to be in a regular testing regime.
• You may have contracted STIs since you were last tested, and he may be less likely to be aware of this, or know how to deal with it appropriately.
• He may have a partner who very likely doesn’t know what they’re up to. Assuming they have a sexual relationship, this could also put the partner at risk.
• He may be dealing with shame and internalised homophobia, and those can make people react in unpredictable ways.
• He may be less likely to consider oral and anal hygiene (not essential, of course, but for some this might make for a less pleasant experience).
• You may be the first queer person he’s doing this with, so you can’t guarantee his level of understanding about queer sex.
• You’re both members of the same gym and are likely to see one another again - if things turn sour, this could be an issue.

There are a few different ways that this could play out…

We’re not here to enforce morality…

If you decide to make a move, you should be prepared for all eventualities. That’s where we come in. Our job isn’t to tell you what to do; it’s to tell you how to be as safe as possible, no matter what you choose to do.

…but we are safe sex advocates

If he consents to you going to town on him, here’s a few things to bear in mind.

So after all that. What are you gonna do? 👀

Back to the gym sauna. Your legs are pressed together. His towel is hanging open. You lift your hand tentatively. All the information you’ve read about in this blog comes flooding through your brain in a split second.

You drop your hand onto his thigh, ready for any eventuality.

Game on.