I haven’t done one of these in a while and the questions are piling up, so it’s time for me to retuck and resume my starring role as Agony Aunt!

There was a common theme of real-life versus porn in some of these so I’ve grouped a few of you gorgeous people’s questions together so we can tackle parts of this broad topic in one go!

The first and most important thing I want to say is - Porn is not real. The people involved in mainstream porn are professional performers whose job it is to stay hard, fuck or be fucked for aaaages and cum buckets.  They are also, like actors for any film, chosen for their… characteristics and abilities, shall we say. Be that having a 12-inch monster, a hole that can hide a basketball, or the body of an adonis. It’s all curated, directed and chosen to create a fantasy on screen that people will be turned on by. Also, that one-hour porn scene you edged the whole way through? That probably took 8 hours to film - they took rest breaks, hydrated, had lunch, and filmed each scene from multiple angles. It's not realistic to expect yourself or your partners to perform like that every time. 

We’ve never had more access to porn than ever before, and there is nothing “wrong” with watching porn. But with porn being just a tap away, we do need to think about what it might be doing to us in terms of our expectations, self-image and our own actions in sexual encounters. 

You definitely don’t need to feel bad for watching it - in fact, for many of us, it’s the first place we see ourselves represented, so we understand there’s a big draw there already. But that doesn’t mean it can’t cause harm. Like with anything, you need to engage with it in a safe way, if possible. 

The most important part of that is to remember that it’s all a fantasy. It’s meant to be the most extra, the biggest, the sweatiest, the most dream-come-true representation of the sexy stuff that lives in our minds.

Is my dick big enough?

I’m really worried that I won’t be able to pleasure/impress anyone with my dick. The ones I see in porn are MASSIVE and I’m not even close to that big. It’s a real shame point for me and has stopped me meeting guys who seem genuinely interested in me, because I think, they don’t know yet how small I am.
- Concerned

So, the dicks you see in porn are often huge! We are seeing a lot more amateur and user-generated porn which is bringing some more varied sizes into your screen - but, on the whole, if it’s being filmed, it’s probably bigger than average.

This can do a lot of things to our brains! Especially if we’re young and especially if we’re watching a lot of porn and possibly not having as many sexual encounters IRL - which is where people will see the smorgasbord of dicks is very varied.

I know it sometimes doesn’t help to hear, “don’t compare yourself to porn”, because we all do it at times. But it really is essential not to define yourself or your worth by the dicks you see on the Hub.

Now, let’s get to the juicy bit. Cum.

Am I cumming enough? How can I cum more? 

I don’t ejaculate as much as I see in movies, sometimes I don’t even ejaculate anything. Is it just me and what are some ways I can increase the amount?
- Cole

All people with penises cum differently. There are no two loads the same. Some might cum a smaller amount that doesn’t reach the ceiling when they pop. Others are like a firehose and you’re not sure when it will stop. 

Much like with the dick size debacle - remember, these performers likely had to cum in front of a casting agent who would decide whether they liked the cut of their jizz. Another important thing to remember, and this ties into body types you see in porn too, these guys in your favourite vids are performers, it’s their job. So they are going to train their body like an athlete would for the results they need to capture on camera. Be that working out every day to sculpt bulging muscles, or having a specific diet and periods of abstinence to ensure they have big loads loaded. Not to mention, sometimes the cum isn’t even real!

If you’re at home cumming a couple of times a day, it’s very likely you aren’t going to cum as much as these actors. If you are not cumming at all, you could be having what is sometimes called a “dry orgasm”. Which is when your cum goes the wrong way. It’s not usually harmful but can cause problems if you want to have a baby. If you are worried about it, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor, as they can find out if there is an underlying issue that needs looking after.

Do we actually need condoms if you can still get STIs? Why don’t I see condoms in porn?

How do chlamydia and gonorrhoea transmit by having sex strictly with condoms? I got chlamydia on my throat and bottom and gonorrhea on my throat. I did suck dicks and get rimmed and fingered, but I always use condoms when anal. Weirdly, after I caught them, I had unprotected sex for a month with my partner(I didn’t know I got STIs and I’m in an open relationship. I top, bottom, giving and receiving blowjob, rimjob, creampie, swallow with my partner). But after testing, my partner didn’t get any STI! I was glad but it didn’t make sense: Protected sex with others gave me STI, unprotected sex with my partner but he didn’t get any? Why? 

Does any gay man really wear condoms or dental dam during oral sex (I tried very hard to find one porn of blowjob with a condom on but cannot find any...)? How safe is kissing? I’m confused and worried about having any kind of sex…
- Eric

I’m really glad you noticed the condom thing, Eric. Again, it really comes back to the fact that they are performing a fantasy. We also don’t usually see them douching, treating their haemorrhoids, pre-loading their holes with looooots of lube and other health and safety stuff that doesn’t play into the fantasy part of porn. 

Think of porn as a bit of an alternate reality. One where, most of the time (not in the case of some of the great socially conscious porn we’re starting to see pop up - see this great U=U vid), they exist in a world where the risks we need to deal with in real life don’t exist. 

If STIs don’t “exist” in this fantasy world we’ve opted into, then these guys don’t need to use condoms. 

Now, in actual fact, the real-world implication of this is that these guys are tested constantly for HIV and other STIs, they will be getting treatment for anything they test positive for and notifying each other/not performing until they know it’s safe to play on camera again. It’s also probably pretty safe to say a decent chunk of the HIV-negative guys doing condomless porn scenes will be on PrEP.  

In the real world, lots of guys use condoms, or they take PrEP, or even have undetectable HIV which can't be transmitted through sex. 

To answer your other very good question too - both chlamydia and gonorrhoea can be transmitted without penetration (i.e. just by coming into contact with the infected area) and orally - so, while condoms will provide a barrier in a lot of instances, they are not 100%. It sounds like you got tested and treated and let your partner know to get tested too - which is great and exactly what you should be doing.

There’s no shame in having an STI, they are a pain and require some awkward convos sometimes, but if everyone out there took your approach, we’d all be making it easier for everyone to come forward when we do happen to acquire something. Regular testing and letting partners know if any positive results come back is so important and I’m really glad you are having those chats with your partner and keeping them safe too. If I could give you a gold sticker, I would! 

Kissing is super safe, it’s very rare for anything to transmit via kissing, except for herpetic things like cold sores. Totally understand you might be feeling a bit worried at the moment, that’s really fair. You’ve just had an exposure scare and that can cause a lot of anxiety. But, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing: testing regularly, notifying partners, using condoms with casual partners for penetrative sex - you’re doing everything you can. 

Give yourself some time to move through how you feel now.

As to your partner not contracting anything, it is possible you were less infectious at the time and the STI didn’t manage to jump over to your partner. Or that their immune system is different to yours and was able to stop an infection from taking root. It could also be that they tested within the window period (can be a couple of weeks for the chlam and the clap), so it could be worth getting another test to be sure.

A quick summary:

• We all need to remember porn isn’t real
• All dicks are beautiful and valid (though you still need permission before showing it to someone ;P) and you don’t need to compare yourself to porn
• Like all dicks being different, all cum is different, you don’t “need” to cum more - and if you’re concerned about your semen, you can talk to your doctor if you think something is genuinely wrong
• Condoms don’t prevent all STIs, but they are an important tool to help keep ourselves and each other safe
• Condoms are not common in porn, this plays into the fantasy side of things again
• Another reminder - porn is sexy, but it’s not real