How do I know if I’m ready to have sex? And how do I tell if I’m a bottom, top, or vers?

- Bob

Dear Bob,

The biggest part of figuring out if you’re ready to have sex is actually thinking about why you are asking yourself this question in the first place.

Is it for pleasure? Fab. Is it because you've found someone you want to try it with? Yaas. Or is it because you or others are putting pressure on you? Not cool. Knowing what you want out of sex can help you decide if you are ready.

Don't think about sex as a big box you need to tick by a certain age. Just because a friend is having sex, doesn't mean that you have to. Sex and sexuality are such deeply personal journeys for all of us - taking the pressure off yourself means you’re more likely to make the right decision for you, rather than the one you think you have to.

You may realise you don’t ever want to have sex - and that’s okay too (you may want to learn a little about Asexuality). Or perhaps you may only feel sexual desire for someone if you feel a strong connection with them (learn about Demisexuality).

Remember, no one should ever pressure you into having sex. Don’t feel you need to make this decision based on how someone else feels. 

Besides learning what goes where, it’s super important to be clued up on consent. The biggest failing from my sex-ed was only finding out the nuts-and-bolts and not being empowered to seek and give consent. 

There are a lot of great resources that explain what enthusiastic consent looks like:

An interactive consent resource 

Examples of how to ask for consent

Now, the age-old question: Top or Bottom?

Queer guys have been asking themselves this question throughout history. Am I a Top or Bottom? What on earth does Vers mean?

The problem with trying to fit us all into three categories is similar to how the world tries to organise people into binary ideas of gender and sexuality - humans are just more complex than that. So don’t feel like you have to pick a "role" and be defined by it forever.

We ran a survey and found that 30% of us are bottoms, 28% are tops, and 42% are totally versatile. There are lots of people who love anal and/or front-hole sex, but it's okay if that's not your jam.

I know heaps of people who like to stick to oral and using their hands, especially when having sex with randoms. This can be bloody hot and just as adventurous.

Having a dick in you, or putting one in someone, is very intimate and needs good communication and trust - which isn't always as easy with a stranger. This is so important when you're just starting on your sexual journey.

Now, there’s the elephant in the room - you really won’t know until you try. 

Going right into sex without knowing what you like can be daunting! Some are lucky to find a patient, kind and open-minded sexual partner to explore this with.

Most of us start to experiment solo with a little menage a moi. I’m talking about wanking.

Sex toys can be expensive, but if they're an option for you they can help you play around and figure out what feels good to you.

Masturbator sleeves are a great place to start for guys who think they want to put it in and dildos and vibrators are the go-to for budding bottoms.

While these are great, remember, there are always ten little toys on the end of your hands that'll do the trick too. Also, if you are exploring your butt - lube, lube, lube!

I’ve been putting things in my butt for a long time - so I knew very early on, before I ever had a boy in my bussy, what I liked and was able to communicate that to my partners down the line. 

In saying that, your Auntie now enjoys a wee dabble in doing the dicking as well! Your sexual tastes and cravings can evolve and change over time, and that’s part of the excitement of sex.

Regardless of what you decide - if there's a dick going in a hole, you’re going to need to figure out what safe sex looks like for you. 

Will you wrap your willy in a condom, or have your partners wrap theirs? Are you a PrEPper? Or, maybe, if you are only engaging in low-risk sexy times (hands and mouths), is it just a matter of having a regular HIV/STI testing regime?

The reality is, out there in the world of Grindr and dating in general - top, bottom and vers are just handy shorthands for quickly finding out whether someone is generally going to be compatible with the type of sex you like to have. So, while we don’t want to put people in boxes, that language can help you navigate sexual encounters a little easier.

If there's one thing you should take from this though - it's to not feel you need to rush into things. Take your time, figure things out - there's no countdown ticking away.

Once (if) you're ready, try and be kind to yourself and have fun with it. Sex can be magical, but it can also be clumsy, awkward, funny, not as good the first time (or second, or third for that matter), and so many more things that are all reasons to take the pressure off and just communicate with whoever you're having sex with.