We hear a lot these days about how to be good allies to our trans whānau.

With everything going on at home and abroad, there’s never been a greater need to get behind your trans, nonbinary & irawhiti friends. But what about getting under us? What about getting on top?

Last month the Counting Ourselves report outlined the most pressing needs facing trans & nonbinary people in Aotearoa. Informed by Prof. Elizabeth Kerekere’s Te Whare Takatāpui model for queer health & wellbeing, the report framed its recommendations for trans support according to the values of whakapapa, wairua, mauri, mana, tapu & tikanga.

Unsurprisingly, the focus is on human rights like housing, healthcare & income, as well as protections from violence, discrimination & conversion practices.

I’m going to touch on none of these.

Because, honestly? Being trans can be exhausting. Having to fight constantly for our basic human rights, it’s easy to lose sight of the joy at the centre of the trans experience.

A wise woman once said ‘pleasure is a right!' So while it’s vital to stand up for trans rights, it’s just as important to lay down for them, or squat over them, or what’s that one when his legs are up and- but I digress…

Be a real ally in 2025 and help a trans hottie blow off some steam, the steamiest way you can

Here to help you (and just as importantly, your trans & nonbinary sexual partners) are my top tips for demonstrating trans allyship in the bedroom.

Couple things...

First the foreplay. Let’s get on the same page about a few things before we dive in!

1. I’m not telling you to fuck trans people.

We’re talking here about how to approach trans & nonbinary partners with respect when you do want to hook up with us. I’m not telling anyone that they have to.

Contrary to popular belief among wizarding authors, trans folk aren’t out here tying to force or trick anyone into fucking us who’s not into it. Who you choose to sleep with is one of the most personal decisions you can make, and we’re not in the business of policing it. More on this later…

2. We’re not getting into chasers today.

There’s another whole blog we could write about trans chasers and the fetishisation of trans people’s bodies in dating & sexual environments. We’re not opening up that particular pandora’s box in this piece, but check out Them’s Trans Women Agree to Disagree on Dating for some beautiful open-minded discussion on that subject and more.

3. This is one trans person’s opinion.

There are as many ways to be trans as there are trans people in the world. What feels inclusive, respectful and sexy for one isn’t going to be universal, much as it isn’t for every cis person.

Consider these tips one person’s truth, and remember that consent and communication are key to finding out what feels good for any new partner, cis, trans or anywhere in between!

Okay that’s that out of the way. Let’s jump in, shall we?

Gender, Sex & Sexuality 101

Now of course we have to start with a quick 101 on the intersection of gender, sex & sexuality.

Because some people are still out here in 2025 thinking <insert sexual orientation> <insert gender identity> can’t be attracted to trans people, and that’s a little outdated.

🎓 Lesson 1: Gender ≠ Sex*

For any stragglers out there, someone’s gender identity is separate from the sex they were assigned at birth. Girls can have dicks. Guys can have boobs. Intersex people exist. Get into it.

🎓 Lesson 2: Sexuality is a spectrum

I know it’s a cliche at this point, but here it’s worth reiterating.

For some people, sexual attraction is primarily about a partner’s gender presentation. For others, it’s more about the equipment they’re working with. For some it’s a mix of both, or fluid depending on the person.

Not to mention, some people’s sexual attractions are divorced entirely from a partner’s physical body! We don’t even have the time to open that can of would-you-still-love-me-if-I-was-a-worm(s).

For example, one gay guy might be attracted to masc-presenting people regardless of their genitals, so he could feel quite comfortable hooking up with a trans masc partner with a vagina. Another equally gay guy might be attracted to people with dicks, regardless of their gender, and would be comfortable hooking up with a trans fem partner with a penis.

Both are valid, and anyone trying to tell you that you have to be attracted to a certain person or category of people to identify a certain way is missing the point.

As a trans person who’s experienced good and bad sex with cis people, I can tell you for free if you’re not entirely comfortable getting down with a trans person, I’d rather you told me that straight up. Nothing worse than worrying you’ll hurt my feelings or get “cancelled” and ending up wasting my time with a disappointing shag or failure to launch.

The important thing is to be mindful of these nuances in your own sexuality, so you can communicate clearly and respectfully in a way that affirms your partner’s lived experience.

✏️ Exercise A: Let me down easy

Let’s imagine you’ve been chatting up a hot guy on Grindr, but you’re no longer interested in meeting up when you learn his dick is detachable. Just say that.

Not “Sorry dude, I’m gay “, like that automatically explains your individual sexual preference, but something like “Ah sorry man, I’m not into 😸 but hope you find what you’re looking for”.

See how being just a little more specific avoids othering someone or triggering their gender dysphoria? How easy is that!

If in doubt, try your best. Just don’t ghost someone when they’ve shared their album…

✏️ Exercise B: Check your assumptions

At the same time, try not to assume what role someone might play in the bedroom based on their genitals, or what positions or kinds of sex might be possible with a trans partner.

Maybe she’s got a dick, but it’s staying tucked tonight.

Maybe he doesn’t, but loves to strap.

The possibilities are endless when it comes to sex with trans people, so keep an open mind to all the fun you might have together 😏

Preparing yourself

So you’ve passed your gender education with flying colours (pastel pink, blue & white, of course). Now you’re ready to chat up a trans hottie. Right?

Wrong! (…come on, you knew that was coming).

The first conversation you should have when hitting up a trans partner is actually with yourself.

As queer people it’s easy to imagine we’re socially evolved; that we’ve done the work to recognise our truest selves and have nothing left to learn. But if your trans partner is bringing something new to the bedroom for you, there’s every chance that kissing a girl again, or trying to find a clitoris for the first time, could challenge your comfort levels or personal sense of identity.

That’s perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of.

Just make sure you take the time to ask yourself those questions, or talk to a friend about it, before barreling into your first experience, so you’re not expecting your trans partner to do that work for you.

Communicating with your partner is important too, don’t get me wrong. But the more you can do upfront to check in with yourself, the more space you’re creating to prioritise pleasure with your partner, instead of making your insecurities their problem, or turning your hook-up into a therapy session.

Flirtation with affirmation

Okay, NOW you’re ready. Which brings us to every well-intentioned cis person’s favourite question:

"But what if I say the wrong thing?"

You may have been led to believe all trans people are fragile or overly defensive about language. And don’t get it twisted, I'll defend any trans person's right to demand the language that respects their humanity and gender identity. Nothing kills a finely crafted chat-up line like a misplaced pronoun, believe me.

But, speaking as one (occasionally rather horny) trans person, it’s amazing the benefit-of-the-doubt I’m prepared to offer a cis person with good and sexy intentions.

Never hurts your chances to be a straight-up hottie either, but I’m getting off track…

The most important thing is to try your best to be mindful of your language, so your positive intentions shine through even if you do make a mistake.

We’ve written before about paying attention to someone’s pronouns when you’re hooking up with a new partner, which is essential reading before you hit up a trans hottie online (or anyone, really…)

But when it comes to sex, it might surprise you how much gendered language we can slip in without really thinking about it. Being mindful of it is a great way to create a safe environment for your partner.

There’s the obvious ones, like “daddy” or “king”, “good girl” or “bad boy”. But there’s loads more language we use to compliment someone’s body that’s implicitly gendered too. Maybe you’d default to “Hey handsome”, where someone might prefer to be called “pretty”.

If in doubt, you can always stick to gender neutral language until you get your partner in a room, then invite them to tell you the kind of language that turns them on.