Tops of Aotearoa - Listen up!

We’ve consulted bottoms from around the country about what they want and need.
With these hot tips, it’s never been easier to be the best top that you can be!

1. Cleanliness is next to topliness

Now here’s the tea: things are way more fun when everyone’s on an equal playing field. Bottoms aren’t the only ones who need to ‘prepare’ for butt sex. We appreciate it when you come to the party with your cock smelling good and tasting fresh. You’re more likely to be deepthroated, and better oral sex is practically guaranteed if you give yourself a sudsing downstairs beforehand. And hey, a bottom’s gotta douche and gussy up their bussy, so pay them the same courtesy.

2. Bottoms aren’t just ready to go

As per the first point, bottoms have to prepare. We can’t just bend over and take a dick. There is an entire ecosystem inside of us that requires patience, care and delicate attention to ensure that we can fuck in the most confident and empowered way. Asking a bottom “Well when was the last time you ate/took a dump?” isn’t the way to make us feel comfortable or sexy. Give us as much time as we need to prepare. The amount of time tops on Grindr will say “come over and sit on my face” only to be offended that the bottom needs at least 20 mins to prepare, is becoming boring!

More on this – sometimes, accidents happen and no amount of preparation can 100% guarantee a poop-free experience. You’re literally fucking a butthole, it’s no biggie if you get a little bit of shit on your dick! Just politely wipe it away and, if the shit-uation isn’t in need of a deeper clean, continue on. In either case, be sure not to scat-shame the bottom – they’re literally taking one for the team.

3. Communication is essential

The cardinal rule for any mutual sexual encounter is consent. A big gorgeous, embodied YES is so sexy, not to mention, important. So before trying anything new, make sure you ask the bottom if it’s okay – that way, you both know the limitations of what’s going on. This is particularly important when choking, slapping or trying anything that might cause harm to someone. There are different types of consent: verbal (asking if it’s okay to do something and receiving a “yes”) and non-verbal (enthusiastic body language, affirming moans or groans) – moans and positive body language are useful as a gauge of pleasure rather than absolute consent.

What language are you using during sex? If you are using degrading language or language that plays on power dynamics, are both parties consenting to the use of this language?

4. Lube

Lube is better than spit! There’s no such thing as too much lube when it comes to butt stuff. Using spit is fun and all, but doesn’t provide the same amount of slip and slide as lube and can lead to increased friction, resulting in tearing in the anal lining, increasing the risk of HIV. So for everyone’s sake and to ensure that a bottom has the best time possible, use lots and lots of lube. If they ask for more, squirt away!

There are different types of lube for different sensations:

• Water-based lubes are a great, all-purpose option that won’t harm condoms. They don’t last as long though, so be sure to reapply if you’re in for a long session to avoid anal fissures!
• Oil-based lubes are NOT good for condoms – they can break down latex, increasing risk of breakage. But they are amazing for getting a good glide on with anal, if you’ve negotiated consensual condomless sex and you and your sex buddy are both taking other safety precautions.
• Silicone-based lubes last longer and are okay with condoms. If you are engaging in toy play, make sure you switch to water-based lube, as silicone can break down the silicone toy and harbour bacteria.

There’s plenty of choice when it comes to lube - just make sure you are making informed decisions and using plenty of it!

5. Foreplay

While we’re on the topic of anal fissures; another great way to reduce the risk of hurting the bottom’s hole is through foreplay. It’s always great to start slow – when you’re sliding in, don’t just ram it in – the sphincter is a delicate muscle and needs ample attention to encourage it to loosen up. Foreplay can range from kissing, licking, oral play to rimming/ass eating. It’s a fantastic way to develop the chemistry between you and the bottom, navigating what brings each other pleasure and where the ‘sweet spots’ are – don’t be afraid to try things out with a courtesy finger. Finding your rhythm during foreplay can lead to mind-blowing sex and also build intimacy and trust.

Foreplay is the best way for both tops and bottoms to loosen up physically, emotionally and mentally. Connect minds and bodies before cocks and holes.

6. Condom Negotiation

Before having sex, it’s best to have a conversation about condoms, where everybody is on the same page and doesn’t feel pressured into anything they don’t want to do, for fear of not having sex (any bottoms out there reading this? If a top says they won’t sleep with you because you want them to wear a condom – that’s a red flag! Walk away, hon!). Allowing people to choose the prevention method that works best for them means that everyone can feel comfortable and empowered during their sexual experiences.

FYI, tops – it is sexual assault to ‘stealth’ someone during sex. ‘Stealthing’ is where the condom is intentionally broken or removed during sex, without the bottom’s consent. This is totally not okay to do, even if you have seen it done in porn. The bottom line is that ‘stealthing’ causes harm and The Spinoff said it best in this article “It’s not ‘stealthing’ – it’s rape.”.

PrEP is an amazing way to prevent HIV, and we love to see the increasing amount of gay and bi guys using PrEP in Aotearoa. Some people think that only bottoms can get PrEP, but it’s better for everybody if tops are on PrEP as well.

7. Who’s in control?

Toxic masculinity and misogyny permeate Aotearoa, both in and out of the gay/bi community. There seems to be an inherent notion that being a bottom is the more ‘feminine’ sexual position and therefore is the ‘passive’ position. We call BS. Just 'cos you may be doing the pumping and the thrusting, doesn’t mean you have all the power or control during sex. The cardinal rule of topping is don’t be a toxic top! EVERYONE should feel in control during sex – bottoms included. This is especially important during kink play, where you may be experimenting with riskier practices that may cause harm if not done carefully. In this instance, it’s important for parameters to be set and safe words established, so everybody has control over what is happening to their bodies.

Control and power play can be fun during sex. Dom/Sub play, where power dynamics are played with, can be super sexy. Why not let the bottom take control for a bit? Let them unleash their inner power-bottom. It’s always fun to mix it up a little, or to even play on the conventional roles of tops and bottoms during sex - just as long as everyone is fully consenting, and boundaries and expectations are clearly set.

8. But wait, there's more!

The train has not reached its final station once you’ve finished – all too often tops exit the game as soon as they cum, leaving the bottoms to tend to their own needs. This premature exit is SO boring and it’s a classic trait of a toxic top. When sex is one-sided, it’s BAD sex. Sometimes people can’t or don’t need to cum and that’s okay too, but when your goal is to just blow and go, it leaves the bottom in the lurch and is no fun for them. If you finish first, do the right thing - continue the journey with the bottom, don’t abandon them!

Sex can be amazing. With these friendly tips, you can ensure that you are doing your bit to make it amazing. Go forth and be the most empowered and empathetic top you can be!