He was charming, smart and had great taste in film. Word on the street was that he was hung, which also helped.

I accepted the invitation to the mansion he was house-sitting, and I was really looking forward to having my brains fucked out. It’d been a while.

Our night had started off well; I was ready to move things along to the bedroom. He finally asked me if I wanted to go upstairs. I happily obliged.

He asked if he could take my clothes off. Yes.

He asked if I liked what he was doing to my body. Yes.

He asked if I wanted to have penetrative sex. Yes, yes, yes.

Consent is sexy, we know that. I felt it. He felt it. Then he felt the need to say, “you like that you dirty fucking slut?”

I froze. The charm from our night was snuffed out. I’d never been called that by anyone before and this was both confronting and debilitating.

The words he had used to describe me felt like an affront to my sense of self. I felt insulted and diminished. Had my boundaries been crossed? All the physical chemistry and arousal faded from the room.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the word ‘slut’ is necessarily a bad one. You won’t catch me judging anyone who self-proclaims themselves to be one. I know a few out and proud ‘sluts’ who really embody the power of the word.

The issue was that I’m a bit shy when it comes to ‘dirty talk’ in the first place, and this was diving into the deep end.

He asked if I was okay to continue and I said yes. We continued to have sex, sans the colourful language. I guess he read in my body language that I was not receptive to what he was putting down.

For days after the event, I thought about that night. I thought about it at the supermarket, at my local drag bar when I was buying a drink, and the next time I messaged someone on Grindr. Is this what the world thought of me? Was it the way I spoke to people? The way I dressed?

Talking to my friends about it really helped; some of them thought it was disgusting that he would even think about doing that, others were turned on by it and asked me what else he said *horny emoji*

Ultimately, I think this came down to consent. Consent is talked about a lot in my circles, openly and frequently. It’s one of the things we can do to try keep our communities safe and accountable for their actions. We don’t really talk about dirty talk when the consent conversation comes up though.

If we can agree that all sexual activity requires consent, and we can agree that ‘dirty talk’ is a sexual activity, then ‘dirty talk’ requires consent too, right?

Sexy talk can be an arousing experience for both partners and is a great addition to your arsenal of foreplay material, but it can also be a hot way to check what you’re both into.

But where do you start when it comes to ‘dirty talk’?

Dirty T.A.L.K – some tips to get it right:

• Tell– Tell your partner what you’re into. If you like to talk like a sailor in the bedroom or if you prefer gentle baby-talk, now is the time to share that.

• Ask – Ask your partner what they like. They may not be ready to match your level, and that’s okay! Maybe they’re open to trying new things but haven’t vocalised it yet.

• Let it happen slowly – Don’t rush into the process ; start off at a level where you’re both comfortable and see where it takes you.

• Keep checking in – Consent is an on-going process and not a one-off event. Check in with your partner to see if they’re still having a good time.

Consent as Dirty Talk

Another way to look at the relationship between dirty talk and consent is seeing them as symbiotic (mutually beneficial).

If you’ve decided with your partner that you’d like to be called a “dirty slut”, “sex toy” or any other name under the sun, then you can use that as a launching pad for further exploring and consent when in bed together.

For example:

“I want to lick your ass, can I lick your ass you dirty slut?”

“Do you want to suck my dick you dirty slut? I’d like you to suck my dick you dirty slut.”

“How’s the grip of my hand around your neck you dirty slut? Do you want it harder you dirty slut?”

The pre-established sexy names you’ve agreed on can make for some hot dirty talk that allows for constant consent and communication between partners. We have some other ways to ask for consent for different things you may want to do in bed here. 

While you’re talking to your partner about sexy names you may want to try, this is a great time to talk about some ways of keeping yourself safe like condoms, PrEP,  or U=U.

I don’t think I’ll be trying out ‘dirty talk’ with all my sexual partners in the future, but I’m glad I understand my boundaries now and know how to discuss them when the time comes up.